On Receiving Negative Feedback - Sort & Filter
Sometimes feedback can be unhelpful. The key to receiving feedback well is to filter and sort. Learn how.
Note: This is an article written for an IC audience interested in learning how to receive feedback they do not agree with. Comic Credit: Dilbert By Scott Adams
👋 Hello! The first piece of feedback I received at work was by my then manager. I had just joined the team and cleared the backlog of pending tasks. I was surprised to hear my manager say, “You need to tone it down. You are trying to do too much.” I didn’t quite know how to process this. I didn’t think the feedback was ‘negative’ or ‘bad’. I just didn’t know what toning down meant. Should I stop completing tasks? Was I stepping on other people’s toes? I was too nervous to directly ask my manager for more specifics, afraid that they would think I was getting defensive. So to show I was listening, I slowed down the pace at which I was picking up new tasks. A few weeks down the road, I reached out to an advisor and industry veteran, to understand how to process this feedback. My advisor looked at me and said, “Well not all feedback is a gift. Sometimes feedback is unhelpful: it might lack context or be miscommunicated.” Wait what? I should not take every piece of feedback word for word and try to change? “Of course not”, he said. “You have to figure out how to manage receiving negative feedback.”
Here is a primer on how.
First, the basics - What makes receiving negative feedback so hard?
At the heart of receiving feedback is our inherent human need to grow while wanting to be liked for who we are. Getting better at receiving feedback starts with understanding what triggers us when we receive negative feedback and learning how to identify what is really helpful versus not.
Common assumptions:
I should take all feedback seriously - While well intended, sometimes feedback can be a result of lack of context, poorly communicated or unhelpful. Sometimes it may come from someone new to a role who is still ramping up on what to expect from you. It is helpful to understand specifics behind the feedback and figure out if it really applies to your current situation.
We don’t like receiving negative feedback - While it might be uncomfortable receiving it, research shows that most people want to learn and grow. People who explicitly ask for critical feedback tend to get better performance reviews.
If I challenge any negative feedback, I will come across as defensive - Our brains gravitate towards treating situations as either/or instead of ‘yes and’. When in reality things are a lot more complex. It is possible to disagree with a piece of negative feedback and still have a productive relationship with someone as long as treat the other person with dignity and respect.
Negative feedback triggers:
Fortunately, there are only three types of triggers we experience when receiving negative feedback.
Truth Trigger
Focuses on the content of the feedback. When the feedback is delivered in a way that feels like an attack or untrue, our immediate reaction is to defend our “truth”.
Relationship Trigger
Focuses on who is delivering the feedback. If you do not trust and find the feedback giver credible, you are more likely to reject the feedback.
Self Trigger
Focuses on your relationship with self. For example, if you receive feedback that you can write better test plans, you might view it as a proof of your belief that you are not a good engineer.
Once we understand these triggers, the next step is to figure out how to respond to them.
How to do this:
Early on in my career, I thought every feedback is critical because that’s how we learn and grow. But according to research, feedback has little impact on our performance. Over one-third of the time, it can actually negatively impact performance. Receiving feedback well is a process of sorting and filtering.
Situation A: Negative feedback from a manager, senior peer you trust and respect.
Step Zero: Understand context - Our initial reaction to any feedback is to either get defensive (relationship, truth trigger) or internalize it leading to self doubt (self trigger). Instead of immediately reacting to negative feedback. Consider pausing (it takes our bodies 2-3 mins to get back to homeostasis after a perceived threat) and then digging deeper. For example: You receive feedback that says “You don’t have the executive presence that we expect.” Pause and ask “Thanks for sharing. Can you please elaborate on the kind of actions you would like to see?” Pausing is hard, but I promise the more you do it, the better it gets.
Step One: Review feedback - Summarize what you understand about the situation and feedback. For example, you can say: “Sounds like when I am unsure about what I present, it doesn’t build confidence in the leadership team that I can see the project through. I can see why.”
Step Two: Sort the feedback - Ask yourself the following questions to identify if the feedback is useful to you:
"Is this clear and timely?"
"Does it align with someone of my other career/work goals?"
"Does it make me slightly uncomfortable?"
If you answer yes to all above, this might feedback you should immediately act upon.
Step Three: Filter and pick one action - When we receive negative feedback, it is usually backward facing. This can make it less actionable because it is not clear how to apply it in the future. While there are multiple ways to address a situation and related feedback, discuss with the feedback giver one action you can take consistently to show improvement. This is also a good way to build influence. Soliciting and aligning on future facing actions communicates humility, respect, passion for excellence, and confidence, all in one go.
Key Takeaways
You don’t have to act upon every feedback you receive
The key to receiving feedback well is to sort and filter
Understand context behind the feedback, if valid, align on one future facing action
Irrespective of how the feedback is delivered, treat the giver with dignity and respect
Questions?
If you have a specific situation you want to get advice on, please reply to this email. I would love to hear from you! I’ll pick topics based on these situations (and keep your identity anonymous).
Interesting Read
Thanks for the feedback is a great read if you are interested in diving deeper. The authors go deep into the science of receiving feedback in an actionable and humorous way.
Leaderships Circles
If you are a people manager or woman leader looking for actionable advice on work situations and interested in connecting with peers, you might find the leadership circles I am hosting in Jan interesting. Previous amazing participants came from Amazon, Microsoft, Facebook, Airbnb, Uber, Sequoia, Blackrock and so many more. I would love to see you there and join us on this 6 week journey! I am committed to making this affordable for everyone. If you are unable to get reimbursed by your company for this and have financial concerns, please reach out to me at zainabg@gmail.com.
👋 Until next time.
Stay safe,
Zainab