Delivering difficult feedback - Its not you, its me
At the heart of delivering difficult feedback is understanding that it is more about you than the other person. Here is how to make difficult conversations with peers easier.
Note: this is an article written for an audience interested in learning about how to hold hard conversations as an employee with peers. Comic Credit: Reddit Thread
Delivering difficult feedback is something I wish we learnt in school. Both as an employee and people manager, I have seen the lengths to which we will go to avoid starting a difficult conversation.
As an individual contributor, delivering difficult feedback was always hard because I worried about upsetting the other party or being wrong about what I was going to say.
“What if I ruin the relationship?”
“What if I am wrong in thinking this way?”
For me, delivering negative/constructive feedback was always an “either/or” situation where either I could deliver this kind of feedback or risk losing my relationship. It was either about being “right” or “wrong”. After years of participating in these conversations both as an employee and manager, I have come to learn that these conversations don’t need to take in form of “either/or”, you can deliver difficult feedback AND maintain relationships.
Here is a primer on how.
First, the basics - What does difficult feedback at work really mean?
Difficult feedback has two connotations: one for the giver and the other for receiver. As a giver, the difficulty may refer to the discomfort around delivering the feedback. As a receiver, the difficulty is around accepting that you have screwed up.
The key to delivering difficult feedback effectively is understanding that it is not about the other person, it is really about you - what you value and expect. Difficult conversations are like a dance. You follow a tune and particular steps. You notice that your partner does not which leads to misalignment. People may follow a different tune or steps based on their experiences and cultural norms. Your job is to share preference and invite the receiver to discuss how both of you can dance in sync.
The most common assumptions we make about delivering difficult feedback:
People don’t know there is a problem: While we may be nervous about bringing up bad news to someone, research shows that the majority of us on the receiving end are already aware of the problem.
It’s best to get it over quickly: Because both receiving and giving feedback is uncomfortable, both parties want to move on quickly. However, research shows that these conversations go better when participants on both ends take time to understand and be understood.
I have to choose between keeping the relationship or giving difficult feedback: It is more natural for our brain to think in terms of polarities of “either/or” when in reality few situations are black or white.
Why are these conversations so hard:
Our brains like certainty and the path to least resistance in order to save energy. Hence it is natural to feel uncomfortable or try to avoid most difficult conversations. Humans also respond more strongly to negative events than positive ones. We are usually more upset about losing $100 than we are happy about winning $100. Employees react six times more strongly to negative feedback from a manager than positive feedback. We respond strongly to negative feedback because it threatens our fundamental need to belong.
In 1955, Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham proposed that feedback or self improvement is a relationship between self and others which usually falls under four categories.
Aware - This is the category most self improvement falls under. In this case the receiver and giver are both aware about what needs to improve. Over 70% of feedback scenarios falls under this category.
Blind Spot - In this case the giver is aware about what needs to improve but not the receiver is not. This case is especially true for anyone new to a team, role or industry.
Hidden - In this case the receiver is aware about what needs to improve but not the giver is not.
Unknown - Area of development is unknown to both parties.
Both ‘Hidden’ and ‘Unknown’ and unknown scenarios are ones managers would focus on. For a peer-peer conversation, most of your conversations will fall under ‘Aware’ or ‘Blind Spot’.
Being aware that these groups' existence reminds us that self development is complex. It is possible that the receiver is already aware or simply has a blind spot. This recognition makes us more likely to enter the conversation as a discussion rather than a complaint.
How hard conversations show up at work:
New co-worker does not follow team norms or procedures
Miscommunication with manager
Giving feedback to a coworker with far more experience than you
Situations on how to handle delivering difficult feedback at work:
Situation A: Giving feedback to a coworker who is a peer
Prerequisites -
Decide if this is actually a good time.Give feedback within 24-72 hrs. As a general rule of thumb, avoid giving feedback days or weeks down the road.
Avoid nit-picking. Determine if the feedback is truly affecting your work or is just a pet peeve.
Never give feedback in a group setting
Once you meet the prerequisites, structure the conversation.
Step one: Identify your intention - “What is my intention?”“What does a successful outcome look like?” Focus on your intention and end result when entering your conversation. Needless to say, your intention should be centered around helping the person/team and not around proving you are right. If your intention is to prove they are wrong, expect the other person to feel attacked and hence become defensive.
Step two: During the conversation, focus on how you feel - Be objective and focus on what you feel when the receiver responds to a situation in a particular way. For example “When you are late for a meeting, it takes me longer to finish my presentation. This stresses me out.”
Step three: Pause - Once you have shared how you feel, pause to give the receiver time to take in your feedback. Our body takes typically 2-3 mins to respond to negative feedback/threat. Give the receiver time and be prepared to listen to their perspective.
Step four: Come up with a solution together - Focus on the shared goals or positive outcome and treat the next phase conversation as a discussion. For example, “I know we both want productive meetings. I would love to figure out how we can address this situation. How do you think we should approach it?”
Situation B: Giving feedback to a coworker who is a couple of years senior
Follow steps the blueprint above and consider adding:
Step zero: Get permission - Before initiating the conversation, get permission from the receiver to share feedback. While most receivers won’t respond with a no, the act of asking and securing a committed yes will result in the receiver participating in the conversation with an open mindset. For example, ask “There is something on my mind I would like to share. Can I share the feedback with you?” or “Can I share some feedback I have for you?”
Holding difficult conversations is never easy, but with practice it gets easier. By focusing on your feelings, what you need, and by treating the receiver with dignity and respect, you will see a favorable outcome. It is not about them, it is about you.
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