On Confidence: Familiarity + Validation

You don’t have to be confident at everything

Comic Credit: Dilbert by Scott Adams

A few years ago during a 1:1, my manager asked me to share how I would evolve a particularly critical product development process at the company. As a junior product manager with less than 6 months work experience at the company,  I was mortified by his suggestion. “Me? I don’t have enough context yet”, I responded. My manager looked at me, smiled and simply said “No one has context about everything out there. Not even experts, we are all learning along the way.” 

This is amongst the best career advice I have received. Admittedly, back in the day I did not fully understand why his advice was so important. But as I grow in my career and in life, I have come to realize the importance of confidence and how a lack of it in certain areas can hold you back. You don’t have to be confident in everything, but you must build confidence in skills that are core to performing your role well.

Here is a primer on how.

First the basics, what is confidence?

Confidence is derived from the Latin prefix “com” (to have”) and “fidere” (to trust”) Webster defines confidence as:

“A feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something”  

It is interesting that the word confidence is so directly tied to trust. Your ability to build trust and influence others becomes particularly important as you grow in leadership roles.

Common assumption: One is either confident or not

Image: Example confidence range

We tend to think of ourselves or others as either confident or not. However, one’s level of confidence can be seen as a range. There are things in the range you might be very confident in, but other aspects where you might not be. For example, I am confident when it comes to product strategy. However, I lack confidence in networking since I am naturally introverted and struggled making close friends in school.

Avoid broad statements like “I wish I was more confident”. Instead me specific, “I want to get more confident with <insert cool new skill>”

Why confidence matters

Growing in your career has a lot to do with your ability to build influence and be perceived as a leader. We all want to follow leaders who inspire us and who we can believe in. This is hard to do when the leader doesn’t show up with confidence. Francisco Dao best sums this up as:

“Self-confidence is the fundamental basis from which leadership grows. Trying to teach leadership without first building confidence is like building a house on a foundation of sand. It may have a nice coat of paint, but it is ultimately shaky at best.” 

What builds confidence

Image: Familiarity and Validation are two human needs that affect how confident we become

1. Familiarity: We are confident in things we are familiar with since we gain confidence by doing things. It is hard to be confident in things we have never tried. Thus it is good to feel slightly uncomfortable when you take on a new challenge.

2. Validation: Doing something and doing it repeatedly does not mean we will be confident in it. We also need validation that we are doing it well. This validation can be intrinsic (i.e. coming from oneself) or extrinsic (i.e coming from others).

My highly unscientific analysis suggests that confidence is 90% validation and 10% familiarity. How we perceive our skills and how our peers perceive our skills is far more influential in how confident we are in that skill.

How to apply this to work

Working on confidence is no different than

Step one: Identify - It is okay to not be confident in every aspect but you do want to build confidence in the few core areas that matter. Your manager or co-worker(s) can help identify some of these areas if you need help.  

Step two: Prioritize -  Start by picking the most important area you need/want to build confidence in. 

Step three: Start and Finish - Pick a small set of things you need to do to build your confidence in a skill. This list must be short enough for you to go through quickly, and difficult enough to be just outside your comfort done.

Step four: Acknowledge Growth - Acknowledge your growth, no one has context about everything out there. Not even experts, we are all learning along the way.

Your confidence will increase every time you start and finish a task slightly outside your comfort zone. Once you have successfully done it repeatedly, and you believe you are doing well/showing progress, you will build your confidence in it. 

Example Situation - Showing up with confidence during a critical conversation, presentation etc. Here are few things you could start with:

A: Speak slowly: Speaking fast makes it harder for your listener to understand what you have to say increasing the chances of them disconnecting. Instead: Share your thoughts as you see them in a calm tone, pause often. This also gives you time to think of your responses and make them count!

B: Share examples: State what you think, share your examples, and support your point of view. You may learn a new point of view or understand why yours is worth changing but that's all a part of growth!

C: ​​Listen and learn from feedback: Be a good listener. When you show that you are open to changing your opinion based on feedback from others, it will show a willingness to learn and grow - which is a highly desirable trait. Confidence isn't about believing in your idea and digging your heels in and never changing it, it's about the ability to support an idea and take the best from your idea and the feedback you get to create the best overall result.

Key Takeaways

- Familiarity and Validation are two human needs that affect how confident we become

- Identify the core things you need/want to build your confidence in at work and take active steps toward improvement 

- Build confidence by starting and finishing things slightly outside your comfort zone